Shift Change

Something is happening lately.  The best way I can describe it is a shift change.  It's been five years that began with the most incredible "downs" that opened the door to the most amazing "ups" with some real loss along the way.  A stage of new love, babies, and too many good-byes.  Of finally feeling like I found my place, to finishing my degree and to some health problems.

I have complained about my kitchen since before I moved in.  That was the condition of me moving in: we'd paint it.  But then I got pregnant and I was not going to paint.  Then one thing has led to another.  We were this close last year to remodeling the whole thing until we got all the bills for the two bathroom and back room renovations and then it was on hold.  And now we've decided this won't be our forever home, but as we just bought the cottage, house hunting is on hold until next year or so.  I found myself last night whining about the kitchen's baby blue walls and wallpaper border (something I HATE).  Todd looked at me and said "Why don't you just paint it?".

Fair question.  If I had to admit it, painting a room is something I've always been intimidated by.  I'm 35 and although my father was an expert painter and my sister will get up and paint a room before she heads to work, I've been scared to just jump in.  I told Todd he was right and I was going to try it after Adam started school.  Why not?  What's the worst thing that can happen?  (Of course, now I'll debate color for a month.)

I feel myself changing into the next stage.  It started, maybe, with the letter I got from Adam's teacher or with my decision to stop fixing Abbey's bed tent (nap time is just me yelling at her to stay in bed for an hour, but it's time.)  Or Adam's big boy bed.  Or Todd's big expansion into Dewitt and purchasing a property on James St.  Maybe solidified by the reality of my childhood dream of owning a lake cottage.  Maybe it was dealing with and trying to find some solutions to health problems that have plagued me for well over a decade.  Or actually going through the surgeries, which had me in a bit of a funk last week.  The death of my step grandfather last week, someone I haven't seen in years as he has been mentally living in WWII, but was close to as a child, was another reminder of how time seems to be fleeting.

Part of it may be thinking back five years and how the lives of people closest to me have changed.  Bethany finally finished her degree, Jackie bought a house, got married. just lost her amazing father and is having a baby, Pam graduated and her daughter is going to HIGH SCHOOL and Tammy lost her grandmother and switched stations.  Melissa has graduated, moved twice and is starting her first teaching position in Florida and has fallen in love and Elizabeth is a head doctor!  My sister is having her second kid and is married.  Bobby has a house and a real job working for Todd.  Carolyn has just landed her dream teaching job at a specialized science academy.

And that it's been over two years since I heard my Dad's voice and I still miss it.  And my mother has bought a TOWNHOUSE and lives in suburbia.

Jackie texted me last week "If I had told you five years ago that you'd have two beautiful children, be re-married to an amazing guy and had a house on the bay, would you have believed me?"

No.  No way. 

And part of it is the time chunk.  Something significant about five years.  The five years before this, my life was a bit stalled and in a holding pattern, for as "busy" as I was, that's the truth.

So I feel a bit more confident and older.  I look in the mirror and see someone approaching 40.  I don't mind looking older, but I can't stand the fact that life is flying by now.

 I really don't know what the next five years holds.  Schools and sports, garbage truck finding trips and memories on the lake.  Maybe more kids or more writing.  Substitute teaching and a new house with a yard.  I hope no more loss but I feel like I've reached the point in my life where I can't avoid it.  Hopefully no more surgeries.

I know it starts with me gaining the confidence to just paint my kitchen.  To wave good-bye to Adam on his first day of school and enjoy my girl time with Abbey.