January 2, 2012

The snow is falling. It's not the first time this season, with a couple of days having some accumulation (like Graduation Day) that promptly melted. It's January 2, 2012 has begun. There is often a lot of snow the first week of the year around here, something I've noticed since I was a teenager. The prediction is Lake Effect. I'm actually kind of ready for it. It is the hibernation time of year (though ask me after a week of it and I'll be wishing it away).

When I was in my 20's and the year would end, I would think that the coming year would be better. At 35, my perspective has changed and now I think "boy, where did time go". I guess I am no longer in hurry to get where I'm going because I'm kind of already there. And kids have changed the perspective of time. As exciting as it is to watch them grow up, it can be hard to feel like time is slipping through your fingers. My memory has become odd is recent years, with perfect recall of events ten years ago but no memory of 5 years ago. Then I can remember something from last week, but not this morning. Luckily, Alzheimer's doesn't run in my family or I'd be worried, though I am trying to find ways to sharpen my memory. Many people call it Mom brain...I think it is a combination of having to hold onto to so many details in taking care of my kids and also because my sleep quality is poor, my brain never rests. I dream so often and so much, I often have to wake up for a few minutes in the middle of the night to reset the cobwebs.

Remembering some of that is why I started this blog almost two years ago.

Everyone has asked me recently what I am going to do now. I am doing it. I am raising my kids, probably do some more writing, take my certification tests and see what the rest of the year brings. I've learned in the last few years you must live the life you are living (no, before Oprah said it!). That doesn't mean you don't set goals and try to change something or accomplish more, but I spent many years so focused on "someday" I feel I wasted some of my life.

One of the reasons I was attracted to teaching was the built in renewal each year. I always had a problem sticking to a job after I had mastered it. With teaching, I knew the annual change would help keep me interested. But this is what I've realized: I am no longer seeking things in life that bring constant change or renewal. I like the idea of building on something and building up something. That's a huge difference in philosophy for me. I used to get so restless if I didn't try new things or change things. Guess I just hadn't found what I was looking for yet. My Dad was the same way. Looking back, I realized he settled in mentally around the same age. Bobby has it, too. And now I see him settling in some, ready for a road that leads to a driveway and doesn't just keep going.

Maybe someday I will get a classroom. If a job opens here in Oswego, I'll certainly apply, but there are like 300 resumes an opening and the odds are not hot! Jackie put some other great ideas in my head that I'm excited about...so we'll see what the future holds.

(Let's not forget..I was hired at WRVO but never worked there...)

In the mean time, who says you can't go back. I've left a message for Wagner Dotto that I'd like to talk about writing for him again. And my kids are my first priority. Adam will be in pre-school in the fall...they are growing up too fast. I know 20 years will whip by and I don't want to miss much time with my family and those important to me (I'm talking to all of YOU) are my first priority and by far a lifetime resolution.

Since Abbey was born, which was a wonderful moment for us, we've had a lot of loss. But thinking about it yesterday, it's the wonderful "everyday" moments with those I love that have made these last two years OK.