Tammy Time

Two weeks ago on Thursday and Friday, Tammy came to see me. She drove from Albany on her days off to help cheer me up...or distract me.
She came with Pastablities homemade fettucine with hot oil and loaf of bread in tow (at my request...I crave that hot oil and going there is not easy these days!!!). She also stayed with the kids while I ran to the chiropractor...my back had been killing me...we hung out and talked mostly that evening...Todd went to bed early and we ordered sub shop at ten pm...woo-hoo I was living dangerously!!



I love the pictures Tammy took...she took all of these except the one I took of her with her camera...had to be done. It's always great to spend time with Tammy...and I appreciate her making the trip much more than I can put into words. She's like family.

We went to Friendly's on Friday and as you can see, Adam cracked himself up after slurping up his lemonade and making himself shiver...and that's Adam tasting a pickle for the first time!! I happened to have Tammy's camera in my hand and caught the moment.

His trip to Franklin Park I'll write about next time.

Just Another Saturday...Melissa, Gates, Weed, Hung & Bridie Manor

Miss Melissa stopped by Saturday on her way from Rochester (home, home) to Pottsdam (current home). I always look forward to seeing my platinum blonde friend :) I love hearing about what she's been up to and being around her is always nice...my favorite mentee of all times! Abbey was happy to have some Melissa time, too! She hadn't seen her in several months.

She arrived just as Todd finished balancing out our new gate/door to the kitchen. As you can see, Adam tried to jump it right away! We had to put this in...Todd had dreamed last week that Adam had gotten a knife out of the drawer and hurt himself and last Tuesday, picture day, he cut himself on some kitchen utensil when I wasn't looking and bled profusely all over the house (Adam keep a band-aid on? I don't think so!) I had bought a gate several weeks ago that ended up being too tall and big for the porch and not wide enough for the kitchen...and it was wrought iron so it really looked like prison. Determined to get a replacement (we really want a "door" one so it could stay up and we could go in and out...liked it when we saw it at Bonnie's house in S. Carolina, I loaded up the kids and the gate and after stopping in to see Dad Friday morning, I went back to Target. And got them all in...I know, I'm nuts. And balanced the new one on the bottom of the cart. Yeah, I'm that good.

So soon after Melissa arrived, Todd had to go do some work thing...and here's Adam climbing and trying to get back there, thinking Daddy was still there! Before Melissa left, of course I had her pose with her new car. It is really nice...a black Kia...since it was raining, I had her did some poses right from the porch :)


Later that afternoon, Todd and I turned on HUNG...we started watching Season One earlier in the week...about a history teacher who becomes a man-whore to well, um, make money. Cute show, but I have yet to see this giant unit that the whole show is about! Todd fell asleep so I mosied on over to Showtime OnDemand and finished the pilot of Weeds I had begun earlier in the week. I watched four episodes. Guess I'm HOOKED on Weeds hahahaha Do you get it???

Finished the day with a good-bye dinner to our nephew Colin who just graduated RIT and moved to New Hampshire today...he called me Christa and it bothered me for a few minutes, but I got over it...I told him I would just keep his card! Bridie Manor is nice, crowded with a lot of people with white hair...I always like the food but Todd's Prime Rib was fatty. Adam chowed on the bread like he was a starving orphan and Abbey did pretty good, though she was tired and a little over stimulated. For the first time, Adam was buddies with Uncle Chuckie..not scared of him! I sat next to Kathy who was so sad, but of course she was.

At the end of the night, when we were leaving Adam started running around. We walked out and usually this will make him follow...but not this time...he started doing hot laps around the table, so excited. And when he was tired, he laid on the floor. I thought he had fallen and went to run to him but Todd pointed out he was smiling.

Getting My Kids and Carolyn's Kids in One Shot

PS I Added photos to the three posts I did on my sister's family...so if you didn't see them go back and look!!

Dad Today, Sunday, June 27th

We all went to see my Dad today. We were going to take him to breakfast, he even got up early and got ready, but he was too tired. We brought him over his favorite...Wade's cinnamon raisin bread....and mom asked me to bring white bread and a can of sliced peaches of all things. Lucky for me the Byrne Dairy had EXACTLY one can.

Dad didn't look good today. He is getting very thin. And he didn't have the energy to walk us to the door. He held Abbey, of course, and talked a little. I sat next to him for a while...just wanted to be near him. Dad was still him, talking and telling stories. Todd went out to look at Bobby's car and took the kids and mom and we talked a little bit. A little bit deep but he also decided to amuse me by telling me that my cousin Alicia's wedding last week was, apparently by the account of my Uncle Kenny to my Dad, like the Jerry Springer show. My Uncle Marty was making a fool of himself (Dad's youngest sibling of 8, he just turned 50) acting like a kid with spiked hair and flexing his muscles. Dad told me a story about how he walked in once on Marty taking a bubble bath with candles and soaps and Dad said (of course) are you gay? Marty said...no you got to take care of yourself (apparently an early metrosexual!!). Dad said he thought a man should smell like a man...he always wore Old Spice products (as Todd does...do I have Daddy issues?? HA) and when Bobby goes all out he tells him to tone it down. I said "Take done a notch"? and he laughed and said "try a few notches".

I brought Adam and Abbey back in individually to say good-bye...it was hard good-bye for me as I can feel time slipping out like air in one of Adam's beloved balloons.

I love my Dad. And I make sure to tell him all the time, it seems to make him feel better...like he did good with his kids. He has no worries in that department.

Ups and Downs

I took the kids to see my Dad Thursday morning and he was so out of it. Abbey sat on his lap for a long time and when he walked us out, it seemed like he might fall over. It was the first time I thought I wouldn't be surprised if I got a phone call that night with the worst news.

He did tell me a story about how when he was a kid, he had a friend with a funeral home and they used to sneak down to look at things. He said the whole house always smelled clinical. My mom added a bit about her uncle owning one...my Dad made a funny joke about one uncle popping them and the other planting them (Mom's family has some shall we say mob ties!).

I was worried enough to go back Friday morning. Dad looked a lot more alert and we sat outside...we talked some. He told me that Mom thought he was on his way out the day before and I told him that it seemed the same to me. He hadn't taken any that day, he told me he was going to try and hold back. But we talked about how hard that can be with the pain and with the depression. Dad explained his choices to me a little more...the tumor is in the right front of his head and it's growing around his optical nerve. He'd probably go blind if they did surgery and it would grow right back. Abbey sat on his lap smiling at him for like 45 minutes. She loves her grandpa

It's up and down for him...physically and mentally. I try and control my emotional ups and downs. It can be hard to see him doing OK one day and think maybe it'll be OK and then so bad another.

Pictures Tuesday

This past Tuesday, Bethany's cousin Mary came over to take photos at my parents' house, specifically of my dad with the A-team. I had asked Dad soon after his diagnosis, partly because my grandfather Duttinger had passed when I was two and everyone always said how much he adored me, but I had no pictures of us. And partly, I think, to feel like I was doing something. It's obvious that both of their grandfathers are going to be a concept to my kids, rather than a concrete memory and that is one of the hardest things.

Mary has a son Noah, one week older than Adam. She brought him and Bethany was coming to pick him up and take him to the park. He was pretty into his mom...hanging onto her leg! Adam...never! He was curious and even tried to comfort Noah. He gets upset when I leave...he just doesn't act attached when I'm in sight :)

Mom had a hard time with the process...Dad was tired so we stuck to pictures with him sitting in the chair. Mom was kind of rude, but I understood...I told her she didn't have to do it...Dad told me she saw them as the coming of the end. I can't imagine how hard this must be for mom. Dad was talking with Mary before he went into the house and she told me how amazing he is. I know. Pam told me she was so impressed because the first time she met my Dad was when I was a senior in high school and he was in the hospital after his first congestive heart failure. She had her license and access to a car and we were out and about and I asked if we could stop at Oswego Hospital and see him. He was in his room (private as he was an employee at the time) and wearing a striped bathrobe. He immediately smiled; happy to see us and started talking to Pam. She said to me years later how he was the one in the hospital but was busy trying to make her comfortable. That's my Dad.

I think she got some nice pictures...I can't wait to see them!

Father's Day

Sunday was Father's day and it was low-key around here. As Todd just lost his father, we weren't in the celebratory mood. But that doesn't mean I can't say here how happy I am to have such a great dad for my kids!!

I took the kids over to say hi to my father around 3:30pm and when I got there my mom was riding on my dad's rider mower and my dad was trying to get her to turn it off. She was in her own world (surprise) and wasn't paying attention. I pulled in and got Adam out and my mom pulled up grinning and wearing earmuffs. This was the FIRST time EVER I saw my mom on a lawn mower. But she still wasn't paying attention to my dad. He leaned over to turn it off and she pulled forward, almost mowing him down. "Why'd you push me?" she yelled. Well, my Dad clearly could NOT push it Guess she didn't realize she gassed it. My Dad lost his temper and yelled that he had been trying to get her to stop. He was frustrated because he was actually in the mood to do something and get off the couch and she was doing it instead. Well, I know she thought she was helping and my brother later told me she was intent on learning....but to be honest, it was nice to see my Dad's hot temper flare again. It had been a while.

He cooled down quickly and tried to kiss my mom but she told him no way, she was mad at him. He got the kiss by the time I left an hour later. We just sat outisde and enjoyed the weather...and Adam. My Dad gave him so old foam truck that was a drug promo and he hung onto that thing like he was in love...Todd and I had to pry it from him when he went to bed that night, after rubbing half the paint off! Adam was lining it up, of course with his other trucks and making it go vroooom.

Adam's New Obsession

Adam LOVES anything with wheels these days. The last few weeks, he has spent a lot of his free time carrying his trucks around the house and lining them up. I really noticed it a couple of weeks ago when I took this picture and separated everything out for him into one bin so he could know where they are! He sometimes even separates like with like and sometimes lines them up head to toe, too! I said I wonder where he gets it, but Todd pointed out that's what he sees the trucks do at Butlerville!!!!

Even at Grandma and Grandpa's house he has a couple of trucks with him and lines them up. He especially likes his green tonka garbage trucks...one each from my parents and one from me....

My favorite part?? The noise Adam makes when he's moving a truck or car or anything with wheels..."shhhhhh"...that started months ago!

PS A Quinten's birthday party the other day, Adam had no interest in other kids....he ran around the yard looking for anything with wheels and lining it up...even trying to lift a big wheel tricycle :)

Early This Week With Dad And the LaRoches

It's been an up and down week, in which I felt I've been doing fairly well. When I called this morning, a hospice nurse was arriving...and it brought back that knot in my stomach for a little bit.

On both Monday and Tuesday mornings I went over there to spend time with both my father and my sister and her family. Adam had fallen in love with Logan, following him around and stealing his cars. Logan tried to share, but being 4 he also tried to keep them hidden :) I brought Tim Horton's doughnuts and bagels both days...so I endearded myself to my nephews incidentally. Really, my goal is to help fatten my Dad...who is too skinny and says he wants to gain weight! The other thing my nephews loved? Sitting in my chair massager that's in my driver's seat that Todd got me for Christmas because I loved the Tahoe's heated seats so much.

As I was leaving Monday, my dad came to my car window to say good-bye and we had an emotional and honest conversation best left between us...I will put in writing that I promised him that my kids would hear all about him and know him...and asked him what he would like me to cook.

He told me pies, which I have never made, but which I'm willing to try. He told me right now cherry sounds good, then he told me a story about how as a kid his grandma (who he actually lived with for several years in Pennsylvania) would make these pies. And he said one day he was getting close to the ones on the porch hungry and dumped one. He thought GG would be made, but instead she told him as long as he ate it, it was fine. So he did :)
On On Tuesday, my mom broke down...Carolyn went in to talk to her and then I did, too. I am so sad by all of this, but have found myself in a new role...of comfort. I technically know what to say, so that helps. But it sure is different with your own family.

I didn't go over on Wednesday...but ran over for about an hour or so Thursday. Abbey spent almost the whole time smiling on my Dad's lap. He loved it and it was adorable.



I Love my sister's license plate...Eric's is "Car 54".

Carolyn , Mimi's and My Dad's Dad

At breakfast on Sunday my Dad appeared more normal than he had in weeks. Better rested, more with it. I was a little upset before going because last Sunday's breakfast had felt...a little like a last supper. And I didn't want one every week. But it was OK...Todd noticed how hard Dad had to focus on getting the creamer in his coffee and he was wearing a new pair of drugstore glasses that made him look a little like Junior Soprano as his depth perception is shot, but other than that he seemed with it. I did notice, however, he only ate one egg. I grew up with a father who devoured everything he enjoyed and if you didn't eat your steak fast enough, Dad was scooping it up saying if you don't want it....


He has gotten skinny and has told me he wants to gain weight...but I guess he just wasn't hungry for it. My Mom lavished Adam with attention...oh how he loves his grandma....

The food sucked, both Todd and I ordered french toast and it was burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside, but it wasn't too crowded for a Mimi's on a Sunday. Both Adam and Abbey stayed content.

Later that night I spoke with my father on the phone. He remained fairly "with-it". We spoke a little about what was going on. He told me, hesitantly, that he had seen his father in the backyard a couple of times. I told him not to run to his dad too fast and if he sees the light, walk don't run. He thought that was funny...but as my Dad isn't one to see ghosts or other, I'm pretty certain he is hallucinating either via the tumor or the medication (though he isn't heavily medicated yet it seems). So despite the fact it was a good day, the progression continues.

Things like that I know my Dad would feel comfortable telling me or Bobby but probably not anyone else. I am glad he feels comfortable doing that, but I have to balance the line between being there for him and not consuming myself with sadness. I think I am on the right track.

He told me his father, who died of cancer when I wasn't quite two, was lucid and proud until the end, sending his mother (my grandma Charlotte) out of the room so he could die alone and not be an emotional burden to her.

He said losing a parent never quite goes away...that it'll sneak up on you from time to time when I told him that one of my few memories of him crying was when I was 4 or 5 and it was because he was missing his Dad. I told him to try and not over medicate...to remember how many times he had told me he wanted to be as lucid as possible until the end and he told me he was going to try and take Tylenol first when he got headaches and then take something stronger if need be.

Pictures Coming Soon...

Carolyn and Co. Arrives

Carolyn, her husband Eric and my cute and fun nephews Alex (7) and Logan (4) drove up from Virginia all night Friday night. I had gone to see Dad on Thursday...didn't bring my camera as I don't want to turn the rest of his short life into a photo session. Just visited for a little..

When we were talking about how Adam doesn't talk much, Dad told me he remembers how he didn't talk much either, but he was sitting in his grandparents backyard one day and just started talking up a storm. Now, my Dad has long maintained that he has a super far back memory. but as he's also known for his "stories", not sure where to believe on this one. haha

Dad had been originally supposed to come see me, but the night before Mom had told me he had said he didn't think he'd be up to it. It was a walk-up call for me...in the couple days prior...I had half convinced myself things weren't so bad.

My back hurts really bad right now. One of the worst pains...walking across the room required a lot of effort...I need it to be OK...I have too much to do to be laid up. The A-Team won't allow it.

On Friday, I did not go over but I talked to my Dad...I don't remember exactly what about. It's been hard to remember today what has happened when and what has been said when in the last week or so....

I know Carolyn arrived around 10am Saturday morning and I brought the kids over shortly thereafter. Sissy was in her pjs, cool looking tropical pants and a turquoise top that stands out in my head. Todd stayed home, exhausted. Sissy was cooking and Adam immediately got attention as they tried to get him to eat. My Mom gave him a half of English Muffin cinnamon raisin style he devoured it and got so into it, mom had to make him more. Dad was holding Abbey and I ate a one eff omelet, wishing that I had had more as it was so good.

I left a couple hours later, kids needed their naps and I wanted to give my sister the chance to spend time with Dad. I talked to him later on the phone and he was talking about mom. I told him that she would not be allowed to sit in the house and never leave, I wouldn't let it happen. He said thank you for telling me that...I have been thinking about that..

I noticed right off that Carolyn was acting like it was a regular day. Not sure how to take that, but I've thus decided it's a good thing. Dad doesn't need to be treated like he's already gone.

There's more to tell but I'm tired and in pain. I'll say that for now, m Dad looked like a brain cancer patient today. He was half out of it. After looking the best he had had for weeks yesterday when we took them all out to Mimi's. Reality checks...as a wise woman has said...there's no way through this but right through the middle. So well said. My dad is sad, I can tell. Alex asked him if he could still build him a treehouse this summer. Dad looked down and off and said yeah, probably later this summer. He wanted to believe it, I could tell.

Abbey liked her Uncle Eric

Adam LOVES to pull books off Grandma's bookshelf...she let him at first so it's taking some time to teach him...otherwise!

Alex and Logan showing off their Tae Kwon Do moves!

Thursday, June 3...The Purdy's Say Good-Bye

Last Thursday night, the Purdy's headed home. But before they left, we took them out to dinner at Canale's. I go the whole table to try Bruschetta...with mixed reviews. The food was really good, but Adam and Abbey were in no mood. Todd kept Abbey smiling through most of diner (thus I got most of his food as leftovers the next day!) until Bonnie walked around with her at the end. And Adam was fussy and actually got so cold he started chattering his teeth and making shivering noises at the same time...sad but cute :) I put my cardigan on him and put my arm around him through dinner, something he never wants. This picture is a hot mess, but captures I think the moment...April and Holly in the background eating and tired...Todd tired and Adam, well enough said. It was nice to get the house back, but at the same time I really liked having them around.

Saying Good-Bye to a Good Man

There is nothing sadder than the sound of Taps at a military burial. Last Wednesday, a week ago, we said good-bye to a good man, Charles Lewis Butler. The funeral was at 10am. My brother Bobby came over to watch Adam as my Mom had to go with my Dad for an MRI (OK, we know how that turned out) and we took Abbey. We went over to Nelson Funeral Home and sat near the front. But not long into the service, Miss Abigail had to be taken out in the hall. She was fussing but as long as I walked her around, she did OK. I could still hear and see...I was sorry that I had to leave Todd, though.

Both Todd and I liked when the pastor said something to the effect of a measure of a man is not how many hours he spends in a church, but his own relationship with God. And then our nephew Patrick, who is 27ish and autistic spoke. He talked about how his favorite memory was...when the week before he and his dad helped Charlie go to the bathroom. Yep. You read right. Todd said he thought part of Patrick's condition was that he couldn't discern between recent and favorite...hmm...he said the word pee more than once!

We drove in the funeral procession to Peck's cemetery...with one of the Butler trucks joining us on the way (yet another form of controversy...apparently to some it was tacky. I don't get it...!) We stood at the foot of the grave under the tent, Abbey content in her Daddy's arms. There were retired marines to do the gun salute (15 shots ...Todd has one of the bullets). Two soldiers conducted the folding of the flag and presenting it to Kathy. But when they played taps, I couldn't help myself. It was so sad...hard to see someone whom I had hugged only a week before before me to be buried. I felt so sad for Todd and his family, thinking at the time how hard it must be to say good-bye to one's father. I cried.

The weather was perfect, a little sunny for Abbey's taste as some of the women in the extended family fussed over her (she loves it...such princess...). I didn't take photos as I wasn't sure it was appropriate, but the images are burned in my brain of Kathy sitting with family behind her taking the flag...of Todd holding Abbey as he watched them honor his father...of my sister-in-law Missie crying, looking so sad.

I titled this appropriately because if anyone had to ask me to describe Todd's father, I would say he was a good man...that's what pops in my head. He loved his family and adored Todd and our children...he was looking out for people even to the end.

He will be missed...Adam's been getting his train whistle off his dresser all week..his grandpa gave it to him before he was born...maybe he knows somehow....

Tuesday Morning at Mom & Dad's

We got mom & Dad's before 10:30 yesterday. Abbey was sleeping and I tried to get her into the house quietly so she'd sleep. Yeah, right. Jeff was cooking breakfast (he's in restaurant business) to include biscuits and gravy of course. He is TRUE southern right down to the accent and his boots. Adam was promptly put into a chair and everyone tried to get him some breakfast. He basically would only eat the cinnamon rolls. As Adam was getting all that attention, I held sleep-deprived Abigail. My Dad leaned in and started talking to her. Her 1,000 watt smile came on. She was just loving her grandpa...! Glad he got some positive response as she's been kind of picky and fussy lately....

Sarah has been training at beauty school so she cut my Dad's hair. Adam at first wanted to grab the clippers of course. And then he wanted to climb in Grandpa's lap. Sarah was like Chrissa can you get him? But I was feeding her new son Jamison and Jeff had lulled Abbey into a catnap on his chest after she had started to get overtired and fussy again. The first pic is Abbey with her new boyfriend! I said sorry!! She's in for it in a year or two with Jamison, for sure!
At one point I asked my Dad if he minded if I had a photographer come to the house and do portraits with my kids. He said whatever you want. Like he was saying if that's what I need. I kind of do. Then we were talking about military portraits. I have one that my dad had taken...he said it was on a carrier ship. He's in a Navy bomber jacket, but he didn't fly. He said they just let you grab whatever as they hadn't been issued dress uniforms. I put this picture up in my bedroom as a teen and have displayed it ever sense, getting it professionally framed a couple of years ago to preserve it. He looks like a movie store...some people say it looks like Elvis. Especially with the way they would hand color pictures like that in the 60's. Then my Dad said he thought he was on the U.S.S. Enterprise at the time. But he wasn't sure. Jeff was like I think you're confused buddy! Which clearly he was as that was the Star Trek ship. He looked embarrassed that he was wrong...but did not make the Star Trek connection so I changed the subject.
As Sarah was cutting his hair, our cousin Jenny Lynn called. She is a lesbian. Dad heard us talking about her and he said Jenny? Oh Yeah I guess she's all over facebook making out with her girlfriend and we were like Dad shhh she's on the phone!! And he was like really? Your Uncle Ken calls her Jimmy. And I got to eye level and said Dad she's on the phone and he was like oh sorry I guess I screwed that up. We assured him she didn't hear. My Dad doesn't care she's a lesbian...he's not judgemental. But, you know, that generation still has their jokes... And I could see his ability to register what we were saying has slowed. I already knew it..I just really saw it there.

The haircut made him look younger and healthier. As we put the kids in the car he told Adam he wanted to come see him, so I talked to my mom this morning and she is going to drop him off here while she visits her mom at Pontiac tomorrow. I told him I'd take him to Rudy's if he liked. He wanted to say hi to Abbey on the phone so I put her on. She immediately smiled when she heard her grandpa's voice.

The night I had visited him in the hospital when he was out of it, he told me that Abbey put a sparkle in his eye like when he had his own daughter...me. So it's nice she's happy to see him!

The panic isn't all controlling anymore, though I still have my moments.. I am starting to be able to live with this. I am so happy to have some time with him...and want to focus on those times. When I got off the phone with him today, he thanked me for calling. That's my Dad. He expects very little from anyone and is always happy when someone does anything for him.

Both Carolyn and Sarah are coming to their peace. I think karma moved him back here with me and Bobby as I think we are the types who are going to need to spend as much time with him as possible to deal with this. There is no wrong way.

Sarah left today and Carolyn and her family are arriving super early Saturday.

I ordered True Blood Season 2 and Dexter Season 3 for my Dad for Father's Day. Both shows he got me into. After Chris left, I told my dad I was looking for mindless television to fill the hours...that's when he turned me onto Dexter. This past winter, he told Todd and I several times to try True Blood...we ended up watching two seasons in two weeks....Todd telling me we are all sick people for watching this stuff! Dexter season 4 doesn't come out until August and I had a bitter moment when I realized that pre-ordering that for him was not wise.

ps The last picture is mine & Sarah's attempt to get all three kids in one pic!

Memorial Day

Todd had to work on Memorial Day but I decided to go down to Boscoe's with April and get stuff for a casual BBQ. I didn't think Todd would be up for the grill, but he was...we had hamburgers/hot dogs and Joe went out to sit with Todd after Todd said he needed to know how a redneck grills!! I love this picture of April with Abbey...she's like um don't drop me! It was a nice casual distraction as we geared up for the next couple of days saying good-bye to Charlie. Rain at the last minute had us eating inside but it was OK.

Monday Morning With Dad..and a Couple of Adam Antics

I feel sick to my stomach. I've gone through all the emotions today. I went over to my parents' today for a few hours and spent time with my dad, mom, Bobby, Saran and her boyfriend Jeff and their new son Jamison. And while I was there, I mostly put it out of my mind. My Dad wanted to hold Abbey in the worst way but she screamed most of the time (she hadn't pooped in a couple of days but finally this afternoon she screamed it out!!). Adam is in heaven there because he can run around. My mom...she's doing pretty well...but I can tell she doesn't want him out of her site. He's not my husband, and I kind of know how she feels. I was fine the last couple of hours but suddenly I can feel that tightness in my stomach as I think about it. I'm trying to get better and shutting these thoughts off. Not good at that.

Dad said today he wanted to get a couple of goats to take care of the lawn. I think he was half serious! As I was leaving, he carried Abbey in her seat (screaming) to my car while Bobby took Adam. We got them in the car and I hugged my Dad and told him I loved him and told him I was selfish...I was so glad he had moved up back with me. He started to say something about this being where he wants to be...but BOTH my kids were crying so it was time to leave. I want to remember how in that milli-second I was at a little peace hugging my dad in his driveway with the sun shining and Adam going MAMAMAMAMOMMMM!! I want to hear his words in my head.

.....

Adam was helping my mom in her dirt with tools...and took a hand shovel full of dirt and tasted it like it was ice cream!! The he helped Bobby and Jeff measure between the posts around my parents' vineyard because they were going to put up chicken wire today around it. He loves doing the boy thing!!!

And while Bonnie was here, she chased Adam around like a dog barking. So...he will arff arff for you! It was so funny when she walked into the room...he started barking. On Saturday, he got on his hands and knees and started to eat like Bailey out of his bowl!! This after he walked out the front door while I was peeing and was sitting on the steps with Bailey and his bottle and his garbage truck. When I said "Adam Charles!" He looked at me and shrugged and made his "what??" noise. Him and Abbey help me get through the day with their antics!!!

Dad's Stories

I grew a big knot of anxiety in my gut today so I called my dad to talk. He told me a story about how when he was really little, he grabbed his grandfather's dentures out of his mouth. So every time after that his grandfather would torture him by taking them out of his mouth and snapping them at him. Just one of many Bob Duttinger tales I don't want to forget

After Chris left he would joke that he would send flowers to him at his parents' house signed as his gay lover. Today he said he'd do it before he died. Stupid, but his sense of humor! He told me how happy he was that he knew I was with a good man and had the beautiful kids I always wanted.

I got off the phone able to breathe again. I want to hear as many of his stories, silly jokes and feelings as I can and write them down so my kids can get a sense of their grandfather. He told me straight out he didn't want to be in pain anymore. I understand, but...well...you know....

Breakfast With Dad

Today we went to breakfast with my Dad. Sarah drove up yesterday with her boyfriend Jeff and my new little nephew Jamison. They were there, too and my mom and brother. We called ahead to the B-ville Diner...we were able to push tables together in the middle of the room. My Dad was coherent again, which was great to see after seeing him Friday night in the hospital and he didn't recognize me for a while. He's still shaking, but not falling over. He's too thin and a little out of it, but much more like himself. It all kind of hit Sarah and she had to go to the bathroom and cry. My mom seemed off, but hey, are we surprised?? I talked to my brother for a while, who is really taking care of my Dad. I'm so glad that Bobby is there for him.

It was still surreal, but I wish I could be in denial. But I can see for myself, Dad's health isn't good. He has a rare form of Lymphoma that has created a tumor in his brain. There's no cure, only treatment. And to confirm it, they would have to do brain surgery. My Dad, at this point, does not want that. I understand, but on the off-chance there's mistake, that part of me wants to yell at him to try anything, everything! Bobby kept saying he wants to preserve his quality of life. Since when did Bobby get so mature?

I had a few moments of sadness but I am determined not to focus on that part right now (easier said then done). I just want to talk to my Dad and see my Dad and have Adam smack him with his cars and Abbey give him her 100-watt smile. Not being sad is going to be a big challenge for me, but I am going to work really hard to not panic at my impending loss and focus on making the most of the time we have together. (Though I can feel the anxiety creeping in.)

Of course whoever was re-running some depressing Dixie Chicks song on the jukebox wasn't helping things.

My Dad Still

My Dad has a brain tumor. He has two-three months to live. He chose not to do chemotherapy as they say it would only give him an extra month. I am trying to digest this. I am heartbroken.

My Dad

It looks my dad has Lymphoma. You all know that my dad has had many lives...first heart attack at 37 when my sister Sarah was nine months old...he bounced back but the real trouble came the month before I graduated high school. Congestive Heart Failure

It's been 12 years since his transplant, a last minute miracle save and two years past his predicted "expiration" at the time (used to last just ten years). He's been having issues and they thought he may have had a mini-stroke...but an MRI revealed a mass and more testing has led to this conclusion. The doctor has said he has had success treating this with chemotherapy so I am holding onto that thought. I believe that a doctor wouldn't tell a heart transplant patient that if he didn't believe it.

I told my sisters and my brother I think it is important that we don't treat him like he's on death's doorstep...I know he's already depressed about facing another battle. Today, I found myself in a new role...the person rationalizing my siblings and reassuring them. My father is part of the reason I am who I am. He has never judged me or anyone and always encouraged me to do what I need to do. He's always celebrated when I've been happy and wanted to help me when I've been down. So I will do the same for him.

The Ties That Bind...Dinner and a BBQ

There's been a lot of time with the Butler family this week. Bonnie and April arrived on our door step Saturday morning and Travis and Joe followed suit Sunday morning. I told Todd he should invite his brother Charlie out to eat with us Saturday night and from there he and Bonnie worked to get everyone, with 6 of them being there when all was said and done. It was a nice dinner at Bridie Manor. I had had half a mind to toast Charlie but I figured out that wasn't the atmosphere (us Italians will toast and cry in our spaghetti uncontrollably hahaha). Abbey and Adam did so well, with Adam scoring like five pieces of bread between his Uncle Dale slipping it to him and his cousin Colin leaving the basket within his reach! Todd propped Abbey's carseat just right and she was so relaxed she actually took a catnap :) Colin is 22 and just graduated from RIT..he's seen Adam grow up as he was often at breakfast with us and Todd's dad...there he is goofing with Adam. Our sister-in-law Georgianne is in the background...she is Holly's mom and Allan's wife.

The next morning, we got up and went to breakfast with Bonnie and April and Joe and Travis arrived as we were getting back. Todd had informed his oldest brother Chucky that he was holding a BBQ that night and Chuck came through. Tommy did attend this event, with only Terry missing. Charlie's sister Harriet was there as well as Kathy, Todd's Stepmother. Adam ran all around getting into all the dogs that were there and playing with his cousins who...although are all in their 20s...seem to get along just fine with him. Abbey was overtired and April kept her happy until Harriet tried to hold her. Eventually, Bonnie lulled her to sleep. They have a nice deck that's kind of in the trees...only drawback were the bug bites. I think it was good for everyone to keep busy and also I think it was good as siblings to spend time together as they were really sharing the experience of this loss.
That's me with my niece April from South Carolina...when we first met, I wasn't sure what to think of her. But I've really grown to like her. She's 27 and works in a vet's office. She is so good with kids and loves spending time with Adam and Abbey (hey, I left the house several times while they were here ALONE!!!). She loves to craft and surprised me by scrapbooking some pages of my wedding for me. Along with Holly, I feel like I'm gaining a friend in her as well as a niece. I was glad that Todd got to spend time with his extended family and that everyone was coming together to honor a man who loved family above all else.

Tuesday's Calling Hours//Memories

Calling hours for Todd's Dad were yesterday...2-4pm and 6-8pm. My mom watched the kids from 2-4ish and7:15-8:30ish so I could be there as much as possible. It worked out pretty well as Adam slept through the first chunk and mom got to bond with Abbey...who took a bottle from her for about an ounce until I walked through the door! Then when she came back I had Abbey sleeping...so she got to play with Adam. The evening calling hours were pretty crowded as I figured they might once people were out of work.

When I got there a little after two...I started to walk through the door into the parlor and stopped. I could see him from there and I could feel myself getting upset. Todd came over to me and said you want to take a flower tour? He took me and our niece through "a flower tour" getting us close to Charlie, but with a distraction. It helped. The best flowers? The ones shaped into a garbage truck from his kids...designed by my husband of course. There was a bit of controversy in the family for some reason. There was the opinion that they were tacky. And the opinion that they weren't green enough to look like a Butler truck. Seriously? I can never get my mind around such petty focus. One of the reasons I only did so-so in the world of higher education...I hate focusing on petty details. It was a wonderful sentiment and it was cute, too! Plenty of people did like them.

Veterans (Charlie was a proud WWII veteran of the Marine Corps...having served in both the American Legion and VFW in various posts) and garbage compatriots alike paid their respects as well as many extended family. Like every family, it's always interesting to see the weirdest offshoots of the family tree!! A guy Todd knows who owns another garbage company was there...and we learned his wife had just walked out on him. I felt bad for him, especially since at first I though he was joking.

Hundreds of people stopped in to pay their respects to a man who had a knack for making you feel like you count. As things wound down, I got a little upset. I wanted to say something, but reminded myself I had done that when he was still with us, the afternoon before he passed. Todd's crazy Aunt Harriett came over and started talking to me, making me tearier. But as hard as it was to see him there, that wasn't what made me sad. It was hearing his voice in my head and thinking about him making Kathy stop at the hospital when I went in for my induction/c-section because he was worried about me that made me sad. I guess more accurately sentimental. I knew I'd miss him...and his dry toast at breakfast and how if he didn't want all his food he just started offering it to everyone until someone would take that half of sausage patty. And how when he was ready to leave somewhere he was up and gone before you could say a word! You'd think with an oxygen tank, he'd be slow...but nope, he'd be out of there!