My Cousin Gets Married

Our first gay wedding was bound to happen soon.  And I'm glad it was my cousin Jenny Lyn, who has had a hard road, including gaining the acceptance of her father, my Uncle Marty, and my father's youngest brother, and the rest of the Duttinger clan.  She is the cousin that our family is the closest to, my parents' God Daughter and the only one who always made an effort with all of us.  She went to SUNY Oswego for a few years when I worked at Camp Good Days and when I would go there for volunteer fairs, she'd sit and talk with me.  On September 14, she married Eva Marone...we just missed the ceremony, which was OK because honestly, I didn't count on my kids being quiet at it!  It was quick and dirty, outside by the lake in Rochester with the reception in the community center inside. I place I had been to before because of Camp Good Days.  I love this photo of Miss Abbey, who is carrying a gift bag my Aunt Dawn gave her as a purse and dancing away.

The kids were all kinds of having a tempermental day, so I was right about the ceremony.  Bobby picked a table right next to the dancing area and he was spot on...it did help occupy the older two some.   But here's Adam dancing away.

I didn't sit down and do the math, but probably 2/3 of the cousins were there?  It's quite a clan, many who I have only seen in the last decade at my Dad's memorial and my Uncle Kenny's funeral.  Besides Facebook of course, which has put them back in my life, but not.  Here's Billy.  Carolyn's the oldest and Jason and Billy were right after her.  Jason died two years ago of Leukemia.  Billy's Dad, my Uncle Billy, the fourth in line, died six or seven years ago, the first to go.  Actually, all three who have died were the ones who went to Viet Nam...complete coicidence?

Here's Josh, Billy's younger brother.  He's around my age, a year younger but two years behind me in school.  When we were teenagers, we were a little close.  He's artsy and a ceramist and I always kind of believed heavily in the closet.  He's a bit awkward around me as an adult and I'm not sure why.  The rest really aren't.  Maybe he knows I see more of him than most?  His sister Anne Marie also had childhood cancer, before Bobby.  They are almost the same age, actually.  Anne Marie was a freshman when I was a senior at SUNY Oswego and she was embarased because I was such a known feminist and everyone kept asking her if we were related.  Probably some of my editorials were pretty liberal :).  I remember I told her to meet me at the Women's Center so I could give her a text book and she looked kind of frightened lol  When I didn't charge her, she was a little shocked.  Why would I charge my cousin?  I asked her.  Janis Joplin was playing on the cassette player.  Hey, she said, I was JUST listening to that album.  See, I told her, we have plenty in common.  (Actually, classic rock love seems to be something all eight Duttinger siblings passed onto their kids....)

My Aunt Dawn, who divorced my Uncle Marty years ago, is Jenny's mom and my favorite aunt.  She thoughtfully brought my kids gifts.  Adam is playing with his dinosaurs with his Dad.

That's my Uncle Dave on the left...he looks A LOT like my Dad.  He's number six in line.   He always says Hey Remember Me?  I'm your Uncle Dave.  Yes, I say, of course!  His kids are Cassandra and David Jr.  Cassandra was there....she's very glamourous and has two kids, Olivia and Lilyana the same age as Adam and Ellie.  She's one of the youngest cousins and her daughter and Anne Marie's daughter Maddie are really close, also Adam's age.  Dave Jr. wasn't there.  He is the family felon, having served prison time for armed robbery.  He's talking to my cousins Carl and Paul.  I started talking to Carl and his sister Kari, who is a Barbie by the way, and I had this weird feeling of remembering how close we were as kids.  Carl is my age.  Kerry posted a photo of Carl holding Ellie, but it seems to be gone now as well as her account, which she turns on and off, depending on her guy drama.  It was a great photo because he was rocking Ellie by the DJ and she calmed down.  Like a weird family connection thing...he looked so comfortable with her.  Kerry, Carl Jr and Paul are all the kids of my Aunt Peggy,  (or Margaret), who is third in line.  She did not attend the wedding, I think it was a religious issue.

And here's Jenny.  She looked so happy that day.  Her father, Uncle Marty, was there with my Grandma.  Her brother Mitchell, who is the youngest Duttinger at 22, was there but her brother Spencer just got a new job in the south.  I actually didn't get a photo of her with her wife.  Didn't get a chance.

Jenny and Mitchell.  He looks JUST like my Uncle Marty.  Jenny is very Duttinger...she is the cousin that reminds me the most of my sisters physically.

With Bobby.  Who brought Lynette and two of her kids, who were all helpful with my kids.

There's Josh with Kerry.  I told you...Barbie, right?  I have the most childhood memories of looking up to her ....she got me drunk for the first time at a function when I was 14, I think.  At a park.  Maybe someone's graduation?  Boxed red wine.  I often ended up with her hand me downs as a kid.  And she was willing to play Barbie a lot.  She's going through her second divorce.  Her first marriage was young as she was pregnant...she had the first great-grandkid.  I asked "Where's Dylan?"  And he was there, all grown up with a girlfriend.  Did I mention how they were all out back as I was leaving half-drunk and smoking?

Jenny, Mitchell and Spencer's girlfriend.

Jenny with Uncle Dave.  His wife, my Aunt Jill, was there.  She talks to us all on FB.  She had asked me some months back if her son, the felon, could work for Todd as he was struggling to find a job.  He found one but lost it...she talked to me again...and I told her he doesn't want to move to Oswego for a helper job, which doesn't pay much and he should consider getting his CDL.  She didn't think he could because he has a long ago DWI.  I told her he could.

The most important photo of the day.  Ellie really was having a bad day, but I wanted my Grandma Charlotte, my father's mother to meet all my kids.  Bobby took Ellie over to her and she wanted to hold her and I was able to snap this photo with my new awesome zoom lens.  My Dad was close to his mother and I try and honor that by sending her photos and flowers on her birthday... and I kept meaning to drive to Brockport to see her.  I'm just glad I can scratch "make sure Grandma Charlotte meets my kids" off my list!  I had to wonder...what does an 85 year old woman think about a lesbian wedding? But she seemed fine!  I do need to add that the gathering was different, not quite right, without my Dad.  And my Uncle Kenny.  They were the real lifeblood of our family.

My Aunt Elaine was there, but none of her kids, Charlie, Frankie and Alicia came.  I only knew Charlie as Grandma Charlotte used to babysit Carolyn and I and him and boy, he was a pain as a kid.  But that was 30 years ago.  I had seen him once or twice since.  She didn't have him much after that first marriage ended (she was the babysitter and then the second wife lol).  I remember meeting his Dad once at their house so long ago.  It seemed like a mansion when I was five.  Her second husband Franco was a drug dealer and is long gone and I know Alicia found God and hates ALL sinners, so I'm sure that had something to do with HER absence.  

Aunt Elaine got wasted, per usual, and came up to me a couple of times.

In her nasally voice, she cocked her head and told me, not quite as a compliment, 

I could tell, "You remind me of your Mom."

I knew exactly what she meant.  I was the only who brought my kids (I actually thought everyone would as it was like 3pm on a Saturday and plus my babysitter was there! AND I wanted Grandma to meet them) and not drinking.  That was the same as my Mom.  I am shaped like my Mom as the same age.  I am educated and speak grammatically correct.  And my kids were my focus.  She didn't really mean it as deep as I took it as she is not capable, but for a moment I saw what she saw now and thirty years ago when my Mom was my age.  And I took it as a compliment.  I tried to explain this to my Mom, but she didn't get it.

Aunt Elaine came up to me again, even more drunk and started with "You're probably just thinking oh, it's your drunk Aunt Elaine".  Well, yes, I thought, but that's OK.

"I miss your father".

Everyone does.  Actually, I heard that several times, including from my Grandmother and my uncles Marty and Dave (the only remaining brother, Terry, did not make it, but he was always the least likely to attend.  His daughter Brandi came in as I was leaving, but his son Shane I haven't seen in years).

She told me how at every function, he'd take her aside and ask her about her and how things were going and he did that with all of them.  I didn't know that, but I could see it.  Dad was the big brother.  I was glad she shared that with me.

Obviously, I didn't take this photo...the photographer did.  Jenny wanted a "cousin bus" photo (their nickname for all of us as sometimes they get a drunk bus and go out!)  Paul on the top, followed by my cousin Kenny Jr. and his wife Brianna.  I didn't get to talk to them much..Kenny lost both his Dad and his brother Jason in the year after I lost Dad.  He has his mom and his half-sister Becky left.  Then the bald guy with the tie is Anne Marie's husband next to the guy in black, Carl.  Then, there's Kerry with her son Dylan.  Cassandra's husband Eric is in the white shirt and black coat, followed by Billy Jr., me, Bobby, Mitchell, Jenny, Cassandra in purple and Anne Marie.  I thought the day would be awkward, but it wasn't.  I think because I had seen them at a couple of funerals, the ice was broken a bit and also now, most everyone is in their 30s and things change.  It was fine.  After nearly 30 years, I didn't feel like ones who "left".  Well, yes I did, but it finally didn't seem to tick anyone off anymore :)