Grandma Mary Dorothy (Rizzo) DiGuardi

Two more days.

I am exhausted and run down. I have a cough I can't shake and I can't stop from keeping my jaw stiff, which is hard to explain but creates a ton of problems. And I can't stop dreaming about Tom Sawyer and the students, which makes no sense because my TWS in in, my evaluation done and I only have two days left. Not sure why it's still haunting my dreams.

Have much to do for Christmas, including most of my gift shopping,putting up a tree and um ..getting rid of the pumpkins on my porch (to my credit I think I'm attached because the kids drew on them).

And I'm waiting for the phone call that says my grandmother has passed. After seeing her Monday night, it's clear it's only a matter of time. There was a time in my life when she was the only extended family that really was a part of my life. Despite the size of Dad's family, years ago when my Dad was having heart attacks and my brother had cancer, she, my Mom's mom, was the only family member who drove out from Rochester to help babysit. She bought my Mom a microwave to make her life easier. Over the years, she always made sure Carolyn and I had what we needed, sending money for a school trip in high school and contributing to the supplies I needed when I went to college. I understand my mother's issues to a degree; she had a complicated childhood full of abuse and it's hard to get past those things. And I've seen glimpses of that side of Grandma...she's a drinker who can say mean things. For many years she looked down on my Dad because he wasn't educated and his family was less than. And, clearly, she did not favor my brother or sister Sarah because they did not do well in school. She chose my cousin Nina over myself as her go to when Jerry (her companion) at his funeral in a big dramatic production reminding me of Livia Soprano, which was fine, but weird since she had not seen her much over the years. But watching her go in and out of consciousness and say Do you think Mom knows I love her? the other night, I felt like she had come as close to full circle as one gets in 86 years. And I have my Grandmother to thank for being in a line of strong women....in the 1940's she had a a career when many women didn't before she was married and had an iron will of steal when her husband died in 1951, leaving her a young widow with two young kids.

For many years, she was the only family guest on holidays, bringing paper bags with things like cashews and pepperoni bread from a Rochester bakery and when I got older, college aged, she'd bring in white zinfadel wine, calling it "champagne" and asking me if I wanted some at 10am, knowing I was the only one who'd join her.

I send her cards for almost every holiday, knowing how much she enjoys it and among the few things hanging on her walls are one of those cards and pictures of my kids, only my kids, a fact that hurt Carolyn's feelings when she visited last Christmas. I think it's because I'm the only grandkid that sends her stuff regularly and have visited her the most.

Her 87th birthday is December 27th. She has lived a long and full life and is ready to move on. But I'm not...I guess we're never ready to lose anyone.