72/25

Yesterday I was talking to my mom about my student teaching experience and describing some of the...."finer" points. Then i paused and told her that the truth is that 75% of the time Ike the school. It's the 25% that's hard that can be difficult to shake off.

Violence. Every day. It's their response to each other on almost everything. And my one block that I affectionately call "hell". On Monday, the girl who I would most love to banish, "T", can running into our room yelling and holding glasses. Another student that is close on her heels in my imagination to banishment, "Y", was after her yelling, hitting, grabbing her shirt, etc. T had stolen a third student's glasses. I held out my hand and told her to give them to me. Her automatic response was to put out her hand like she was going to hit me, but....actually though better of it and ended up brushing against me as I started at her with daggers. "Do not ever touch me." "I wasn't miss, I wasn't." Then she went on. But she was. She had every intention of hitting me. The thing is, it wasn't because it's ME (although I'm certain she has no love for me), it was her natural response. On Tuesday, someone pulled the fire alarm, also during my "hell class", a block that had been so wild I thought my teacher was going to banish everyone. A fight erupted at the curb, with two girls beating the crap out of each other. My first instinct was to walk towards them and help. But dozens of students pushed me aside ad they tried to get closer to watch. I ended up pushing my way out. They didn't mean to hurt me and didn't even think twice. It's just what they do. On our way back up, one of the students "S" told me how "M" wants to beat her up. I commend her for saying she wasn't interested. I get into homeroom and I hear 5 minutes later they are in a fight. I feel bad for telling "S" to hold her high ground in a way because she got the crap kicked out of her, though I know I did the right thing. I could go on and on about the violence. Yesterday, I was walking by two students who said hi to me, I walk back upstairs to find out they had just kicked the crap out of each other with what had started as "playful" slaps. My teacher had dived in to try and separate them and a long time social studies teacher who had been in the high school for years and hates it here had tried to stop it by pulling of of the girl's hair. Not a good idea. Ever. He can be charged with assault.

The other 75% of the job, I enjoy connecting with the students and helping them figure out there work. Hearing about their life. The occasional flash I see of sudden understanding. There is much to be gained by helping these kids, who for whatever reason are at SUCH a disadvantage in life. At the same time, we told our homeroom girls, you are at an age where you start making your own choices. I told them they are smart, funny and beautiful but if they answer everything with violence as they get older, that is all other people will see. Oh yeah, I got observed on Tuesday for the first time and he showed up two blocks early. He observed TWO classes, not one. He told me I needed to work on being more authoritative, although he said I was doing better here than most professors would...and not letting the kids talk at all. He's right, but....since I've been here I've actually only seen a completely silent classroom....twice.

There are two new teachers in the building who look scared and frightened all the time. I'm not. My teacher said that I don't give off the sense of being intimated. And I'm not. Maybe 10 years ago, but a lot of life since then, including being a RHD and a Mom, have changed me. I don't go home and cry and I usually shake it off on the commute. It's just a life experience and nothing they do is personal. (I took these pictures right before Open House and everything is shiny and clean :) ...the 8th grade hall, our classroom and the room from the back).