72/25

Yesterday I was talking to my mom about my student teaching experience and describing some of the...."finer" points. Then i paused and told her that the truth is that 75% of the time Ike the school. It's the 25% that's hard that can be difficult to shake off.

Violence. Every day. It's their response to each other on almost everything. And my one block that I affectionately call "hell". On Monday, the girl who I would most love to banish, "T", can running into our room yelling and holding glasses. Another student that is close on her heels in my imagination to banishment, "Y", was after her yelling, hitting, grabbing her shirt, etc. T had stolen a third student's glasses. I held out my hand and told her to give them to me. Her automatic response was to put out her hand like she was going to hit me, but....actually though better of it and ended up brushing against me as I started at her with daggers. "Do not ever touch me." "I wasn't miss, I wasn't." Then she went on. But she was. She had every intention of hitting me. The thing is, it wasn't because it's ME (although I'm certain she has no love for me), it was her natural response. On Tuesday, someone pulled the fire alarm, also during my "hell class", a block that had been so wild I thought my teacher was going to banish everyone. A fight erupted at the curb, with two girls beating the crap out of each other. My first instinct was to walk towards them and help. But dozens of students pushed me aside ad they tried to get closer to watch. I ended up pushing my way out. They didn't mean to hurt me and didn't even think twice. It's just what they do. On our way back up, one of the students "S" told me how "M" wants to beat her up. I commend her for saying she wasn't interested. I get into homeroom and I hear 5 minutes later they are in a fight. I feel bad for telling "S" to hold her high ground in a way because she got the crap kicked out of her, though I know I did the right thing. I could go on and on about the violence. Yesterday, I was walking by two students who said hi to me, I walk back upstairs to find out they had just kicked the crap out of each other with what had started as "playful" slaps. My teacher had dived in to try and separate them and a long time social studies teacher who had been in the high school for years and hates it here had tried to stop it by pulling of of the girl's hair. Not a good idea. Ever. He can be charged with assault.

The other 75% of the job, I enjoy connecting with the students and helping them figure out there work. Hearing about their life. The occasional flash I see of sudden understanding. There is much to be gained by helping these kids, who for whatever reason are at SUCH a disadvantage in life. At the same time, we told our homeroom girls, you are at an age where you start making your own choices. I told them they are smart, funny and beautiful but if they answer everything with violence as they get older, that is all other people will see. Oh yeah, I got observed on Tuesday for the first time and he showed up two blocks early. He observed TWO classes, not one. He told me I needed to work on being more authoritative, although he said I was doing better here than most professors would...and not letting the kids talk at all. He's right, but....since I've been here I've actually only seen a completely silent classroom....twice.

There are two new teachers in the building who look scared and frightened all the time. I'm not. My teacher said that I don't give off the sense of being intimated. And I'm not. Maybe 10 years ago, but a lot of life since then, including being a RHD and a Mom, have changed me. I don't go home and cry and I usually shake it off on the commute. It's just a life experience and nothing they do is personal. (I took these pictures right before Open House and everything is shiny and clean :) ...the 8th grade hall, our classroom and the room from the back).

Monday Morning: This and Last

Starting out my second week of teaching with Abbey getting up at 4:40am. Yeah, that's early. I'm not nervous about teaching believe or not. After my first day, which was last Monday, things have gone smoother. That day was nuts. I knew I'd have a sub for a couple of blocks. I started out the first block nervous, making some mistakes but not awful. The second block is the "excel" class (fyi these students would barely qualify as "average" students in Fulton or Oswego let alone a school like FM) but they are good kids. I realized that my introduction to my unit was too short and things got a but wild with students having nothing to do. Ms. O'Connor was gone with most of the students in our AVID class for third block and I took the rest to the library (AVID is a class for 20 students in each grade identified as having potential of some sort and the district works hard to help them succeed).

Then come 4th block, the class I knew would be a challenge. The class that reminded me of Lean on Me and Dangerous Minds. And the sub says the vice principal was taking him out of the classroom because there was no teacher in the science room. Which is illegal actually. I knew I had to adapt and adjust. I was nervous and confidence is what you need to handle this class. A few girls were really bad, wondering, ignoring, talking back. Most of the class talked a lot. About 15 minutes before the block ended, I knew I had to do something. I used my best mom voice and finally got their attention. i gave them a worksheet and told them it needed to be done by the end of the bell and it was for an actual grade (most of the work in this school is graded on "effort"). And I made sure they knew I meant it. Most of them worked and tried and I was surprised at how well it worked. It boosted my confidence and helped set the stage for the rest of the week. I felt a bit overwhelmed when it ended, but I held it together and didn't whine or complain. That comes with age. I just knew that stuff happens sometimes, it was over and I needed to move on.

Now I'm already exhausted....argh got to get myself moving and get ready....three weeks down, four to go in this placement... Monday mornings do suck.

Abbey Talks....

Abbey started talking early (like everything else) but hasn't turned into a big talker yet. Or so I thought.

Before bed, we watch part of a movie with them. Lately, Adam's favorite has been Megamind and the main character looks a lot like the main character of Monsters vs. Aliens....so Adam calls it "monsters". Miss Abbey ran into the living room looked at her dad and said MONSTERS clear as day. Guess it's her favorite, too.

And as we all know, Adam loves all things dinosaur and talks about them all the time. Wednesday night, I was picking up Adam's room and Abbey runs in and says DINOSAUR and tries to grab one of the dresser. Clear as day.

Oh Abbey, she does what she wants and only when she's ready!

Tired.

I am exhausted mentally and physically. If you are not a morning person 5am wake-ups won't ever suit you and if you're someone like me, who doesn't sleep well, it's worse. And if you spent the whole night dreaming crappy dreams that are often VERY real that leave you in a state of anger and/or anxiety, it's worse than not sleeping at all (I am a surreal dreamer and stress makes it worse... it means it's harder for us to get past the dream stage. It's mostly men. My old endocrinologist found it fascinating, but it just sucks. My Dad was also one and so is my brother. I didn't realize the whole world didn't dream like this until i answered some routine quesions to the dr.).

Student teaching is draining. Classroom management is always on high alert and you're supposed to teach them at the same time. In this case you are trying to come up with ways to help them read and write better! I don't hate it but I don't love it. i do really enjoy some of my one on one with kids. And the few moments I've seen kids really work hard or where they are so proud of themselves I really do love.

There is one class from hell. It's like one of those scenes from Lean on Me or Dangerous Minds. Even my teacher looks like she wants to leave the room. But in the other classes there are a lot of kids who have great personalities and thrive when you give them help and one on one attention.

Week Two at Westhill Academy at Blodgett School

I've was left alone with a teacher's aid the on Tuesday impromptu. It went better than I expected, especially since the TA was so scared she begged me not to leave when I had to.

Today, I took over class management for two periods, one of which the teacher was gone for. It's OK; definitely challenging with these girls. The thing is classroom management is an ALL the time thing in this school, not just for me but for everyone. It's even a part of the curriculum. You have to balance getting these kids to listen, understand and do a task and by the way, as an ELA teacher, you are lucky if they can competently read and write English. I haven't decided how I feel about all this.

This assignment is basically teaching reading and writing as well as life skills to 8th graders. Certainly ripe with a chance to really help someone, but it is not the English teacher job you picture when you start your program. My teacher told a co-worker today that she really needs a reading teacher's education, and she is someone who has spent ten years and LOVES being an urban middle school teacher. Time will tell which is more "me".

Finally met my supervising professor from Oswego yesterday. He's OK, but wants us to do all sorts of extra stuff to prepare us for the "real world" and informed us we probably wouldn't be able to find jobs. Tell me something I don't know!

Stairway to the Top

Our classroom, 404 is on the 4th floor at the top of the stairs; 88 steps from the basement that I walk into (I did not count them, my teacher did). This steps are killer. I mean, my heart pounds and I'm hot when I'm done. At first, I thought it was because I am out of shape but my skinny teacher, the other teachers and all the students talk about how hard that climb is. Glad to know it just isn't me.

"There is an elevator" one of the other teachers informed me as I stopped to catch my breath at the top. "I figured if it's this hard to use them, then I need to," I answered.

My teacher said, "I figured the same thing".

After a week, they aren't any easier.
But I love the classroom. It's in the corner with lots of windows and light and a nice 4th floor view. I've spoken of the character before and this adds to it. Of course, the cracks in the ceiling might have character but the teacher is hoping they don't crumble soon.

I'll let you know if that climb gets easier after six more weeks....

"Big" Abby Tsutsumishita

I've mentioned the Tstsumishitas briefly in the past. They are the family across the street with 4 children. Nathan, Abby, Jonathon and Daniel, who is two months older than Adam. About two years ago, Erin invited me over after telling Todd to tell me to call her when she was on a garbage related phone call :) We hit it off.

She is my age, very nice and has a good sense of humor. She is one of those friends that has nothing to do with anyone else I know and she's not too into complicated things. Erin is about her family and her church and she cuts great hair, too, at JCPenney. She cuts Adam's hair and I will have her do Abbey's hair if the time comes. These kids are great and my kids, especially Adam, adore them. Her house is one of the very few places he will go into and tell me to leave.

At the beginning of August, her daughter, whom we refer to as "big" Abby though there is nothing big about her, turned 10. Her and her mom came up with the idea to do a hotel themed party. She invited two friends, Erin dressed up like the hotel chef and her husband Tomo dressed as Jaqcue the limo driver. Very cute. I volunteered to do a" star" photography session for these "very important guests". I thought they'd get a kick out of it and I could practice some portrait skills. I had wanted to use Montcalm Park for a while, though I didn't realize how different the light would be at a 5pm session versus earlier in the day when I'm usually there. A few of my favorites... Stopped at Breitbeck, too and this is one of my favorites of her. And of course, I insisted on a shot with her Daddy in my backyard, AKA Jacque. I love this picture, I think, the most, as it reminds me of how much I adored me Dad, too. Hard to take a bad picture of Abby as she is so beautiful. as usual, blogger doesn't do the colors justice, but I ended up with 60 photos of the girls when I was done as I did individuals of each and groups. It was fun to experiment with these girls and Erin and the other moms liked them so much, they made collages out of the images I sent them. It was flattering and fun. Makes me think about how much I'd like doing this but also how much I still need to learn!

Shelley

The last year I worked at the college, Shelley Marshall became the RHD of Funnelle. She left in August for California after four years here. She hated it three years (1st, 2nd and 4th) and liked it one. We had lunch with her at Friendly's then headed to the park to hang out as my kids needed to burn some energy and she was happy to join us. Shelley is a friend, though not close. She came to our wedding, has always stayed in contact and we got together here and there. She is VERY outspoken and confident, something that can be hard to deal with sometimes but I like that I always knew what was on her mind and where I stood with her. I think Shelley likes me because when she first got there, her friend making skills were a bit caustic and I tried to include her as much as possible. And because I always said what was exactly on my mind, too. She is someone who is fine with my kids being around ,though not particularly maternal. Also, Shelley has a way of dressing...that shows you at least a little crack or cleave every day. :) Interesting to see if we are still talking in four more years! She wanted to go to California for some time, though she said it's an adjustment and all the men are gay. I warned her about that part...a CA college is not the place to find a mate for straight women!

The Start of Student Teaching...a Decade in the Making

Almost ten years ago, i got it into my head that I thought I wanted to be an English teacher. I was writing at Fulton Daily news and then I was news producing for Channel 5 and the thought was kind of in the back of my head. Then I began working as the CNY Regional Coordinator for Camp Good Days and Special Times. I found I liked working with kids, but the fundraising part was so not me. I went to a meeting at Oswego State about getting my master's in teaching for students who had majored as an undergrad in one of the core areas. I was sold. But, I knew it would be costly.

I waited a year and applied. I applied for three graduate assistantship positions and received all three...of course, I took AHD and the rest of THAT is another story. I started in the fall of 2005, with my first in-class placement as one of my first courses, spending time at my alma mater high school in Fulton in an inclusion classroom for emotionally disturbed students.

Over the years, I completed my courses, had other thoughts on career (I always had a hard time settling on that one :). I had a ton of chance including marrying the love of my life. I had two kids, lost two important men in our family and didn't know if I'd finish getting my masters, the bigger dream, or student teach and become a teacher, the other dream.

With the support of my great husband (who encouraged me to ask for the extension from the grad department), friends and an amazing brother who is getting his ass out of bed every morning to come watch my children, I have begun. Last Friday, when Melissa picked me up at 8:30am to go to orientation (though I still hadn't received my placement!), I started to panic about leaving the A-team; I almost called Todd to tell him that I quit! I knew THEY would be fine, but I sure wasn't. It was hard leaving them (much harder then leaving now before they wake up). I left them with Bobby every week for a few hours, but this felt different. It hurt. I got into Melissa's car and burst into tears. A couple hours later, I was fine and glad I didn't let my emotions get the best of me. Fourteen weeks will fly by and I am accomplishing these two aforementioned goals. And my kids get to build an even bigger bond with their Uncle who adores them and says they mean the world to him. Yes, I know independence is good for them and Moms do it all the time, but it doesn't mean I didn't miss them!!

Saturday morning I got an email with my placement...Westsidel Academy at Blodgett school, which was Blodgett k-8 until this past summer. I emailed the teacher, who was pretty stressed and asked me not to come until end the day on Tuesday. That was fine. I went and met her and saw the school.

For anyone who has gone to the old schools, like when I went to Phillip St. in Fulton for first grade, there is a certain feeling. Tall staircases, large wooden doors and big windows with good old-fashioned chalkboards. Needs work? Absolutely. But when post 1950 schools are falling a apart they just look shoddy. These feel like...a solid place to learn. Of course, I am the nostalgic type.

Ms. Carrie O'Connor is 31, skinny (honestly, kind of eating disorder thin), pretty and a ten year veteran teacher. Friendly and very organized, she says she was super shy in high school but now I can see she works hard to rule the halls. She even volunteered to be the 8th grade team leader, since as she said, she did most of the work last year at Shea (her previous school) even though someone else had the title. She is approachable and I like her attitude with the students. She doesn't let them get to her, which would be easy to do with this group of very low socio-economic students. As I have learned the last two days, they are a mix of black and hispanic students with a few white and Asian or African immigrants thrown in. Here's the thing. These kids have a ton of personality. In a suburban classroom, the kids often are quiet and hand in their work, but they kind of are checked out from their teachers. A lot of these kids want attention, positive or negative. They come up and talk to you and look for a connection. It's both gratifying and overwhelming, as I said it's not always positive attention they are looking for!

On my first day, I was shocked to see there were kids in one of the blocks who spoke almost no English and though they probably could have used an ESL classroom, they have been tagged OK for inclusion. One girl particularly looked upset as she had no idea what was going on. But my teacher took it in stride; I guess it isn't that unusual. Also, the schedule is in blocks that rotate all week. It's pretty confusing. And all the ELA and math classes are divided by gender. I am very interested to see how this goes! Overall, we have 3 ELA classes, 1 AVID class (Like a gen ed class where the kids get assistance and support) and we co-teach in the science class. There are so many adults around compared to when I was in junior high.

A week from Monday, I take over the 3 ELA classes....more on that later....

Hide and Seek

Last night, we played Hide and Seek with Adam for the first time. He will come up to you and say Chase Us! and we are meant to chase him around the dining room table. Uncle Bobby does that with the kids all the time and last night Todd even got him to pick up his play dough (his new obsession) by saying he'd "chase" him.

Then Todd thought it was a good opportunity to introduce Hide and Seek. He went into the living room and counted to ten and I took Adam into his room and held him behind the door. He was too excited and not quite sure what was going on. Daddy went into the dining room... Is Adam in here...? Adam started giggling. Be quiet, I told him, we had to let Daddy find us so we can "surprise" him! By the time Todd stuck his head into Adam's room he was laughing in my arms saying "find us! find us!". It was adorable.

Next, I took him in the living room to count and we went to look for Daddy. When he figured out that he was in the corner of his room covered in one of the quilts from his crib, he started laughing and got so excited :) and yanked that blanket right off!!! Next, our turn to hide again and Adam wanted to be in the same corner, of course. We hid under a blanket, too but he just couldn't control himself. He wanted to jump out and say surprise, especially because Abbey "found" us right away :)

Daddy and Abbey hid next, in the living room next to the chair and it took Adam a while to realize it, despite the fact they were in plain sight!!

It was clear Adam was more into finding than being found...so I hid next, behind the time out chair in the dining room. He thought it was hilarious when he found me there. Abbey did, too, and decided to "hide" behind me and just grinned ear to ear when Daddy "found her".

Adam told me to hide again and so I hid in his room again and it took a while for him to find me. He was so excited when he did....and one more time, I hid in Abbey's room and he was running all over looking for me. It was adorable. Seriously.

Farmer's Market Take 2

Finally made it to the Farmer's Market this past Thursday for only the 2nd time this summer. The bouncy house wasn't there, which was too bad because the kids LOVE it. And neither was the book mobile. Guess summer is over....kids ate fries and we walked around and the only thing I bought were chocolates from the Man in the Moon candy shop, a highlight for Q (and his Mom, but don't tell). Abbey tries to grab everything off the shelf while Adam runs around playing with the little animal novelty toys they sell. I bought some gold coins, which I used to get as a kid when we'd go to a candy store in Rochester. Abbey LOVED them and I was surprised when Adam did, too. Jackie talked me into getting her favorite the marshmallow caramel squares. I told her they are a bit like crack.

They had a fire truck there, but this week the boys couldn't get into. I asked them to pose in front of it so I could take a picture with my phone... Love it! Adam just loves running around at this place. Q is nice enough to help me keep him in range!!!!

I don't know, but I like going there. Have for years. It feels like a part of summer. Oh, and the company is good, too :)

Jackie and Brian's Reception

Over two months overdue, so I'll make it short and sweet :) Here's the basket I made for the shower re-used. Made me smile! Wish I had taken more "detail" shots but I kind of out away my camera for part of the day so I wouldn't always have it in people's faces! Love the tartan detail on the cake. Very elegant. Love this picture! Jackie looks graceful. Wedding party presentation...Q and the best man! Mr. & Mrs. Wallace. Old buddies together again! Q asked me to take this photo... Melissa and Drisa. Love this. When I walked in and saw Mr. & Mrs. Todd Butler and family, the empty seats made me sad. I knew how sick my kids were and I had looked forward to us coming as a family. Luckily, catching up kept me distracted and Jenn parked next to me :) This is the BEST picture...Chewy wouldn't let me post it on FB because he thought his girlfriend may not appreciate it....! I just love this picture of a guy in a kilt with a beer but I'm not sure why! Any words necessary? Cutting of the cake...they look pretty happy. Actually, that silly grin was kind of on their faces all day. It was clear they were in love and happy to be getting hitched. This was a great reception. Both fun and elegant. Unique and traditional. I really liked how this was a kid welcome wedding. There was even a bouncy house! Everyone had fun...I left soon after the cake cutting, knowing with the kids being so sick bedtime would be a challenge without me but I wouldn't have missed this party! I always thought Fallbrook would make a great site for an event and I guess I was right :)

Harborfest Sunday//Adam Hits the Rides

We decided that Adam would love the rides at Harborfest, even if Abbey was too little for most of them. Holly came over and we drove down to meet her stepdaughter and her family which includes a daughter Adam's age. But she brought her own sister who is 9, so Adam didn't ride with anyone. Good thing he doesn't care about that. We walked up and down to check stuff out and you could tell Adam was trying his best to be patient while Mommy got his ride bracelet and some tickets for herself. We headed over to the bee ride...Adam liked it :) Adam wanted to go into the Funhouse because it had a slide and I wondered if he'd get frustrated with the maze of mirrors. Boy, was I wrong. He loved it!! This was the wall of "fun" mirrors and he only looks ticked because I made him come upstairs and leave the mirror maze behind. Going down the slide that caught his eye to begin with. I didn't get a great picture of him on this ride though it's cute because he was hot and tired, which is too bad because he loved it. He spotted it after the Funhouse and was like DUCKEY DUCKEY and ended up going on it I think 5 times! Of course, he had spotted this when we got there and he kept asking for the SLIDE MOMMY. Holly took him up the first time. She said he was a bit reluctant but ended up loving it! He wanted to go again so I took him the 2nd time. The height was a bit much for me as I walked up, but Adam was dragging me up....he couldn't WAIT! He would've kept going, but I was running out of tickets for us (I should have gotten myself a bracelet...tickets by ride were VERY expensive). Time to try the roller coaster! Aunt Holly took him...these pictures are cute because he's so serious and she's smiling, but I know my son and I know he loved it. It's worth clicking on them to enlarge and really see the looks on his face!! He wanted to do the Funhouse one more time and Holly took him, but by the time he went down the slide, he was tired and hot and he didn't go down well.... I felt bad for him, he was kind of upset and the next time we went to a park he didn't trust the slide at first!! On the way out, I sat with Adam and got him fries. He was beat, but ate almost every one. It was so hot but it was nice to sit there, me and him. Holly caught up with us and we left. I was ready to get home to the rest of our family, but it was nice to have Mommy and Adam time :)

Missing

I had dreams all night about my kids. Leaving them. Today I start school again, just a simple orientation, leaving at 8:30 so I will see them in a few minutes when I get them out of bed. But starting Tuesday (that is, if I have a placement), I won't see them until I get home. I knew I'd miss them, I didn't expect this ball to grow in my stomach last night and to feel this way. I know they are in good hands (Bobby) and I know they will be fine. I know independence is GREAT for them and that they will be taken care of and have FUN. I suppose every Mom feels this way at some point. I know in my head this is absolutely fine, but my heart hurts this morning in a way I didn't expect. Something feels like it's....missing.