Friday

Today, Adam kicked a ball for the first time. There are these two big blue balls at mom's house Carolyn bought for the boys and left and Adam got so excited to see them! Grandma got it into her head to teach him and he caught right on. He loved it so much he cried when I made him leave, poor kid. /on the way home, he did his cute "hi-i" to two construction cranes. Guess they rate now! Abbey is rolling all over..practically crawling (I'm not ready!!!!) and loooving all the attention with Bonnie and April here!

They arrived Tuesday about noon and it's been a nice visit, but ready to have my house! They did babysit both kids while Todd and I went to a wake for his friend's mother. Abbey has begun fighting naps so I was surprised I got them both to sleep by when we left and they woke uo minutes before I got home at 4pm. Sigh. I've been trying to coordinate them all week so I could have a nap!!! First time I left town with those two at home and as we left Oz I missed them but it was OK. Good for both me and them!!!

It's Friday happy hour and I checked facebook and only 3 people were on...the 3 that are always on. I need a life! Ha.

A Moment

I had a moment today...the first since the funeral that I really just started to cry. I miss my Daddy.

Todd's sister Bonnie is here with her daughter April for their regularly scheduled summer trip...was to see Charlie. Oh, what a summer.

Adam is sitting on the floor next to the bed thinking I haven't noticed that he has stolen his father's circa 1991 sunglasses and is putting them on his leg. It's pretty freaking cute.

Adam's Verb and Abbey's Food

This week Abbey was crying on the living room floor and Adam came to me in the dining room and said "sad". I said "Abbey's sad?" And he followed me as I went to her and said "sad, sad, sad". His first verb! He also has said "good" after eating his cereal...and on that note...

little Abigail started eating food this week sigh. It began with rice cereal and she liked it so well, I gave her baby applesauce, pears and sweet potatoes mixed with that rice cereal. Loved it. Thank God. She's now eating breakfast and dinner. It's cute I put him in his chair, her in her bumbo and feed them both.

She still hates bottles...so at least now she isn't totally dependent on me to eat! But also, made me sad, my little princess isn't a teeny tiny baby anymore...she's 5 months old!!! Adam didn't get food until 6 months, but he nursed and took bottles...so it wasn't necessary AND waaaay back then they said you had to wait until 6 months.

Today we went to Ruby Tuesday with Harry Potter and crew and she was eying Todd's biscuit and cheeseburger! She likes food...and for being such a little peanut!

My little babies are growing so fast it makes me proud...and nostalgic ALREADY!!

Wedding Ring

This is the beautiful shot of our wedding rings the photographer took. I loved the colors of my bouquet and the symbolism of this shot, no matter how old fashioned. I picked out the rings...Todd said pick out whatever I want when we went to DuFore's. And when someone says that, I don't know what to do. I guess I didn't grow up with that hahaha. I kind of wanted them to match, wanted gold or two-tone to go with my gorgeous diamond. And I didn't want anything to overshadow the diamond that I love. So I didn't know what I wanted. So i went super simple...and I had Todd's engraved.

So as my fingers got swollen I could only wear the band...and it was so small some people didn't even realize I had it on!! Even Todd teased me. So I've gotten a little self-conscious about it.

So now I feel like I did a less than stellar job picking the ring out! I told Todd he needed to get me a nice anniversary ring to wear with them. Since my wedding ring is so small, there's room :) Or if it's especially gorgeous, I can put it on the other hand!

On a scale of things in life that matter, this is so low, but I thought I'd write something light for a change :) And it truly doesn't matter what I have on my finger, the marriage is what counts. And I do love reminiscing about that day..it went too fast.

And...Grateful both our best men were there.

Drinking ..and Maine

So I reinforced the night before the last NOT to drink when sad. I only had a glass and a half but it did affect me...and gave me mood ups and downs. I learned that a few years ago.

Adam adores Abbey, insisting on kissing her if she's up when he gets up and running to her room to hug and kiss her if he's up first. I love it...it makes my heart proud. He's been learning about sharing and he has normal thoughts on it but also...he's really good. Yesterday I had her in my lap tapping on the little piano I thought Adam would be jealous...but he laughed and I swear he gave her a look like he was proud.

Took Mom to Target this morning, she just ADORES Adam and I had to remind her to say hi to Abbey...! As Carolyn says, the blessing of being crazy before she lost her husband as that she gets to maintain!

Todd and I are planning a trip to Maine for next month. Looking forward to it. When I was going through all the tests while having gestational diabetes and all through labor, I would close my eyes and picture Adam on the beach throwing sand on his Daddy and my daughter in a sun hat laughing. It kept my blood pressure down and really helped me through labor. Todd and I had talked about about going to the ocean each year so that's why I had chosen it. Once my Dad got sick, I didn't think I'd go, But Todd told me last week he'd still take me and I thought it was a good idea. Not I am really looking forward to making that image come true. All of us on the beach....Adam torturing Todd at least that part!

Watching Teen Mom...it's not as good as it was last year.

Yahtzee Memories & July 18 Birthdays

Last night, I pulled out Yahtzee so that Todd and I could play before True Blood came on. It never occurred to me that it would make me think of Dad. But...when I was young, I played Yahtzee with Dad and my sister a lot. I could hear Dad's voice in my head as I started the game. "Large straight is the hardest...try and get it early." "Save your one's in case you have a bad hand." and...of course...blow on the dice ans say "Mama needs a new pair of shoes!" (This piece is a holdover from when he would play dice with his brothers...us kids underfoot, he would call me over to blow on his dice for luck and say "chrissa needs a new pair of shoes!" and me believing with all my 5-year-old heart that I DID make luck for my dad).

At first, I wondered if it bothered me. But, actually, it was OK...it brought back a whole flood of GOOD memories, reminding of me of fun things we did as a child. Dad also played Boggle with us...and taught us Risk and Monopoly. Mom has never been a game player, so this was all Dad's department!

As True Blood came on with that theme song "Gonna Do bad Things to you" Todd jokingly sang it and it made me smile...My dad had been singing that just a few weeks ago in the same um off-key tone (um, with NOT the same meaning directed towards me!! haha) when we were talking about that stupid show. Part of missing my Dad is the quirkiness...that I guess you could say I inherited and it's nice to be married to someone who has it, too :)

It was also Bobby's birthday and we talked to early in the day...I told him that Adam needed him to show him all the Dad things...like fishing and hiking and how to make something beautiful out of wood. He said..he already planned on it. Todd and I had gotten him a starter for his car and Todd installed it on July 4...Bobby isn't much of a birthday guy, but he and Mom went to dinner at Bridie Manor. I can't believe he is 29.

It was also Pam's birthday...Happy Birthday Pam!! I hope you had a great day...wish we had more time together in life...but I'm so grateful you are a part of my life. Pam & Chaumont Post coming soon...

Last Time Dad was Here...

The last time Dad was at my house was two days before Todd's father passed...I had a dentist appointment and I asked my parents, since they were going to be in town, could they watch the kids while I went as Todd has so much going on with work and his father. Sure, they said. They came over and Abbey was sleeping....Mom said...well I'll go visit Grandma for a bit. As I left, my Dad was snuggling On Todd's chair with my penguin blanket, turning Shrek on for Adam. Dad loved movies and he loved watching Shrek with Adam never tiring of it. When I came back not even an hour later, he was lying on the floor in the new Shrek room as Adam buzzed around him. Dad looked tired but happy to be with Adam. Adam had fetched his shoes and was messing with my Dad's feet. Dad wanted to know if Adam was trying to get rid of him! I laughed and said of course not, he's just got a new fascination with shoes.

The whole month Dad was ill, he kept saying he wanted to come to our house and visit. He always said he felt so comfortable in our home...and I liked that. Also, he felt bad that I was schlepping the kids back and fourth. He never got to and I knew in my heart he probably wouldn't, but I'm comforted knowing my father felt at home in my home.

Dad, of course, didn't get to see the room complete with the crib. Todd told me to email him a picture in heaven. Not the worst idea I ever heard.

Adam's First Slide

After a hard morning, exhausted Abbey finally fell asleep close to 11am...Todd already half asleep on the couch...Adam was restless as I believe this had literally been the first morning he didn't go somewhere in two weeks. I decided to take him for a walk. It was nice as I don't get the chance to do something one-on-one out of the house with either much. I decided to walk him and Bailey over to the fort. We walked around the baseball diamond as Adam watched the big kids play. It got hotter and hotter...but when we got to the little kid playground as we were headed back Adam smashed his little face right up to the chain link. I took him in and he wasn't interested in climbing through the tube. I took him and placed him on top of the slide and slid him down, holding on. He didn't say anything, but I could tell he liked it! We did it again and I got the smile. So I did it again and his whole face lit up...first time on a slide!

He was so tired walking home he actually put his arms up for me to carry...did I mention during this whole 45 minute excursion he refused to let go of his garbage truck?

Franklin Park

Several weeks ago Adam went to Franklin Park for the first time when Tammy was here. This kid in the green shirt liked him and they were running around together. He accidentally knocked Adam down and Adam thought it was funny. Then he went to pat this Noah kid on the back and he's fierce so it looked rough I guess. His yuppie father was like oh I guess he's trying to hit him ack. Then seemed peteurbed as they kept playig. Get over yourself!! Guess the playgrond is like the real world

They left...but we ran into the father of my high school best friend and his grandson Dustin whose a month older than Adam. This kid is quiet...and Adam could give or take him to be honest....he's like that with most boys...though they both lusted after the fountain!




Abbey actually slept....

And Tammy caught us on the way out....

Fun...but impossible for me to take both kids alone safely. When I had told Dad all about it...he said I'll go with you some time...sit with Abbey and watch Adam run around....

Funeral Day

Today is the funeral. I have knots in my stomach....it'll really be done. Like, his existence is suspended but once this happens, he'll be the past.

Baby Steps

Today I could breathe again. It's a few steps forward. A part of me feels guilty for that. I wish the service was today waiting makes it harder. We went to Target today got a crib for the Shrek room and a desk for our room. Todd came home and put them together...nice to keep busy today and good to take a step forward....we'll see how Adam does when we put him in there tonight!!!!

The Next Morning

Today I woke up with a gut ache. It started at 4am when I was up with Abbey and though I talked myself back into sleep, it was there when I woke up.

I called my mom this morning and under the circumstances, she is doing well....her strength amazes me once more. Her faith is helping her so much....she told me what a blessing it was that Dad went relatively quickly...he was talking until almost the end. It's true, he didn't want to lose mental capacity.

Poor Abbey has possible pink eye have to get dressed take her to the doctor.

Yesterday my Dad opened his eyes and put his hand on my face like he did Abbey the day before and said I was beatiful. I'm glad I had that moment.

Gone

Dad died today, 12:36 according to mom. He told me this morning he was in so much pain. I was holding his hand. He helped bring me into this world with so much love...I wanted to be there showing him love as he left.

I am so sad.

Beginning of the End

Mom called this morning and told me to come over if I was going to....It was the end. She suggested I get a babysitter, but I was out of luck and besides, I knew if Dad were coherent at all, he'd want to see them...especially Abbey...it was a hard day and I heard the hospice nurse say "it was the beginning of the end". I'll just say Abbey woke my Dad up when I was sitting beside him and I had a big flower headband on her because the other day he said why didn't I put a bow on her. He reached up and put his hand on her and smiled and said You are so beautiful! as she drooled all over him.

And I thanked him for several things, among those true unconditional love.

ps Abbey is teething...on Friday it was my Dad who discovered the little bump in her mouth ...that he noticed this so early tells me how much his time with her has meant to him

July 4th...Dad's Creek

Yesterday, July 4th, we called my Dad and asked if he wanted to go out or us stop in. He wasn't up to going out. We ate breakfast and Wade's picking up Dad some raisin bread. Todd went up in his Tahoe to help Bobby install a new starter and I stopped at Tim Horton's to add Apple Fritters a a bagel and coffee to the mix, hoping he'd eat. He didn't.

Dad didn't have a lot of energy....he had fallen the day before on the steps outside and was being cautious. It was a hot day so I sat next to him while he held Abbey and Adam ran around, occasionally checking on Todd and Bobby outside.

I try hard to listen now when he talks so I can catch his stories. He started talking about going barefoot fishing in the creek...and he got emotional...we put Abbey on his lap to cheer him up. But on my way home I was bothered that he didn't get to finish his story...so I called him and said I have a stupid question....but what creek was that? And he said that's OK I wanted to tell you more. He said he loved all creeks and rivers but said his favorite spot is in Altmar right at the bend near the hatchery. I asked him what his favorite fish to catch was and he said trout,,,,because they taste the best!

Grandpa's Gifts

I saw my Dad on Wednesday morning and today. Last night, the hospice nurse told mom he had weeks left. Even though I already knew that in my head, i felt like a punch in the gut. He's not eating much, so I went there today loaded with Tim Horton's donuts and bagels and got him to eat one of each while I was there. I started crying on the way there, but basically pulled it together, shedding only a few tears behind his back to my brother. I thought I wanted to write about all this, but its getting hard.
I just want to say that my Dad got up early and had my brother take him to Wal-mart to get gifts for the A-Team. He got Adam two new trucks...Tonka dump truck and fire truck...Adam's favorite as they fit into his hand! Dad took the out one at a time from behind his back and Adam grinned, grabbed and lined them up on the table. And he wanted to get Abbey a crown, he said, because she is a princess, but he said they were hard plastic and hurt her head....so he found her a snuggly pooh bear lovey...and she hugged it and smiled.

We sat outside for a bit and talked and Dad gave his princess his hat when the sun bothered her....when he smiled for this photo, he almost looked like himself....and you can hardly see Abbey's black eye Adam gave her this morning when his tickling got too aggressive!!

Here's Adam holding his new trucks saying good-bye...he was grumpy...